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7.30.2012

The long wait is coming to an end

Yesterday Kit asked what will happen to him when he hits puberty. Fair enough question. We've talked about it a bit before but nothing specific. So, I gave him a rundown of things. When it came to heightened interest in girls, I didn't hold back. "This will be the time when we learn if you are interested in girls or boys. You will start to feel a special kind of excitement inside for one or the other of them and that may tell us if you really are gay or not." This statement didn't phase him at all. He took it in as though I was telling him he would be deciding whether he wanted grape or orange. It wasn't a problem at all. I think he's looking forward to finally finding out what's going on with him.

7.29.2012

Dating advice from a 13 year old

Last night Tio told me the secret to getting girls. "I've been out with a lot of girls and there are 3 things you need to know." explained the young playboy. "You need to smell good, you need good hair, and you need to wear bright clothes. Girls like that." I didn't ask why the bright clothes help but I was thinking that his bright personality and outgoing nature probably didn't hurt.

7.27.2012

Odds and Sods

Just thought I'd throw a grab bag of tidbits together for you today.

First off, when looking at the stats for my blog, the one post that gets the most hits is when I posted a picture of myself posing as Uncle Fester from the Addams Family. If you Google Fester Addams, my photo comes up fairly quickly. So much for making an impact.

This morning, while lying in bed listening to the boys downstairs natter and chirp, waiting for Buddy to get up and drive them to day camp, Tio started goading Doc to go swimming with his ear ache. Doc has some blood coming out his ear a couple of days ago and he's had shunt implants so we're monitoring it to determine if it is just a scab or something deeper while we consult the doctor. We told him he should probably avoid swimming for various reasons. Then I hear Tio calling him a wuss and other great stuff if he doesn't go in the water. That forced me to get up and intervene.

On the other side of Tio, he really is taking his scootering seriously. He loves it and devotes hours a day to it. He's quite good at the tricks and turns and spins. It's a treat to watch. He's also working hard without complaint on the academic studying I've been giving him every day. I hope it helps him in the fall.

I've been exercising and stretching and bike riding every day to get in shape to fence. I lost 16 pounds so far but my goal is another 10. At the same time, I'm in no hurry to lose all the weight. The regular diet of no sugar and minimal fat and starch plus the exercise will get me there. I don't want to dump weight only to put it back on. I want to be comfortable with how I eat and exercise on and ongoing basis. Right now, cardio and muscle development to prep for fencing are more important.

The other day at camp Doc asked a girl if she'd lift her skirt up and let him have a peek. It was quite innocent but got the adults all in a twitter. They suspended him for a day and wondered if they should take more drastic steps. We told him he can't do that but didn't make too big a deal of it. It's normal enough curiosity for little kids that needs to be curtailed, but no need to panic. Nobody said if she complied.

Kit doesn't like to take his medication. He feels he should be able to do without it even though he has a very hard time getting through the day on his own. I've heard from other parents about their kids being reluctant as well with the behavior meds. It's a strange phenomenon that people will swallow painkillers, cough syrup, antibiotics and an assortment of other pills but draw the line on mental deficit drugs as though they shouldn't need them even when the evidence is clearly to the contrary. Many adults are the same way. There's an inherent stigma attached to needing mental help that just isn't there when it comes to other bodily dysfunctions.

The other night Tish and I saw a tragedy unfold before our eyes. Our home is on a hillside and we have a very nice view of the rolling hills the extend a few miles to the south. At 2 in the morning, during a thunderstorm right overhead, Tish got up. Standing in the front window she saw a lightning strike just beyond the local tree line that started a huge fire. She got me up and we called the police, who were already aware. All we could do was watch helplessly as smoke and flames lit the sky to a backdrop of more lightning flashes sparking up the night grey. The next morning we learned it was a neighbor's house that was burning. The lightning hit a propane tank and a second strike hit their barn. They lost everything. By a stroke of good fortune, the family got out of the house and managed to save their livestock but their entire home was lost. It was so strange to be standing in the quiet of the night while smoke billowed up and on the ground barely two miles away a family was scrambling for their lives, helpless as all their possessions, their entire history, their very sense of safety got wiped out.

It puts the petty disgruntles and inconveniences of our daily struggle, even the things we are lacking and need, into a different perspective. Even a slow struggle like cancer, deadly as it is, pales in comparison to getting your kids out of a burning inferno.

There, as they say, but for the grace of God go I, and we should all be thankful that we have each other to love and fight with.

7.24.2012

The lives we touch

The other day I received a poem from a reader who was inspired by a blog post I'd written. She said it touched her deeply and she couldn't help but write. I think it is amazing how we all effect each other in the things we do. Even without knowing it we touch other people, other lives and make small, or sometimes significant differences.

When I was a lot younger I lived in relative solitude. Went to work, didn't know my neighbors, stayed a stranger to society. I wanted to be a writer so I could share my ideas, both fiction and political/societal, with the world. At the same time, it appeared I didn't want that much to do with the world. That all changed as I got a bit older and more engaged in life. I guess I realized that it was better to do what needed to be done rather than just talk about it and as a result I started make a difference in other people's lives.

As a flutemaker, I created ways to alter the flute that saved flutists from hand injuries. In some cases, I even saved their careers. In politics, I worked on issues that effected thousands of local residents. While fighting to protect our town from becoming a garbage dump, one woman saw me on local TV and decided to join the fight right there. She told me I changed her life because she learned one person could make a difference and then she applied it to her personal life as well. She took control of her bad situation and turned it around to make a better life for herself and her son. I've heard from others as well, who's world's I have reached in less profound ways. A friend told me he went on a diet and started to take better care of himself because he saw I could do it.

More often than not, it isn't quite that dramatic and we don't even hear from the people we reach profoundly. Sometimes, it's even negative (I have my share of relationships gone sour) and we don't realize it. But the fact remains that we all bump around and impact those around us in ways we can't imagine. It's an important thought. Especially important to consider after a brutal tragedy like the movie theater slaughter in Aurora, Colorado. It has ripples that slosh around the country and the world.

Right now, my world is smaller again. I'm looking after family and not spending as much time in the community. Still, I know without doubt that what I do is not isolated, that I am always part of a larger circle that then connects to other circles and reaches places I will never know.

At the same time, it continues to surprise me whenever I hear from someone whose life I have touched.

7.21.2012

On the other hand...


I don’t know what it is about Buddy that sets the boys off. He’s trying his hardest, has been consistent for a couple of years, and keeps improving but no matter what the mood is on his days with the boys they get uptight, angry, moody and difficult. Not all of them at once, and sometimes one steers clear the whole time, but as a rule, they lose it. Today Tio got out of control with his anger and got sarcastic, insulting and uncooperative until he finally smacked Kit across the face. Doc whines and pouts over nothing and Kit, while good today, winds his dad up with backtalk and insults.

Buddy doesn’t take it anymore, either, so it’s not like they do it because it’s a free for all. They have a deep rooted resentment and anger towards him that surfaces whenever they get a chance. I know some of it is deserved. After all, they’ve had some rough times in the past that Buddy shares responsibility for. But it’s more than that, deeper. After all was said and done, they went out this afternoon in fairly good spirit and came home in good moods, too.

I suppose I may never understand it, just have to deal with it and around it until they work it out.

7.20.2012

Maybe I spoke too soon

Yesterday I was reminiscing about getting away to the pub and how Buddy was handling the kids just fine. Well, tonight he came into my workshop looking for me to bail him out. Kit and Doc supposed to be asleep but they were fighting. Tio had the TV too loud. Kit couldn't sleep and got woken up in the mess. It was escalating and they weren't responding to Buddy. It didn't take long for me to dowse the heat and everybody settled right down.

I think this was just the exception that proves the rule.


7.18.2012

Change is life

I'm at the pub on a Wednesday, as I used to do, thinking about past Wednesday's here. It was the only day I got away from the kids for the longest time. Even then they used to call constantly and work out their issues over the phone. Buddy was in over his head and they knew it. Poor guy got run around like a rat in a no-win maze. Now, my phone doesn't ring anymore. Buddy has things under control and the boys have a routine that they respect.

It's good that things change. Some things get worse, some better but change is inevitable and we all have to ride it like waves and a current on the sea. You can tack and ride the winds, sometimes change direction. I've never understood people who want things to always stay the same. As though where they are in life can last them a lifetime. Same job, same schedule, same routine, same vacation, same meals. They think that is playing it safe. I'm not so sure.

I hope the boys learn to take chances, a few risks along the way, that challenge them. Kit is already on that path, maybe too much so. He'll have to face resistance which inevitably creates changes in life's path. Tio may take the path of least resistance. It's hard to say right now. It's hard to teach that. I think risk taking and embracing new things comes with the experience of how change effects us along the way.

7.17.2012

"Grampy, I didn't get enough dessert."

Isn't that a great line? Doc handed it to me with an Oliver Twist look on his face, like he was being deprived of sustenance. Like any parent would jump up and say, "You poor dear! Have another donut or better yet let me get you a second bowl of ice cream."
I think that was exactly what he was expecting. When I told him I wouldn't mind if he never ate another dessert in his life he was positively shocked. I guess he didn't like the cookies I bought and was hoping to trade up but after that remark he was willing to force another one down without complaint.

Ah, the sacrifices they make to keep us adults happy.

7.15.2012

Driver’s Ed


Tio’s first driving lesson came when he was 10 years old. We made a bet over his getting on the honor roll. But there was more to it than that. Living out in the country, I remember learning to drive much earlier than 16 and having a real feel for the road when I was finally old enough to drive in traffic. We had plenty of deserted or private roads to practice on, as we do here.

Teenage drivers are statistically the worst drivers there are. Just in the past 2 months in my town alone a friend’s son was in a 2 week coma hitting a tree and a girl killed a pedestrian 2 miles from here because she wasn’t paying attention. She swerved right onto the shoulder and killed a jogger. These are real events in our world and only the tip of the iceberg.

For many kids it is asking too much that they learn to operate the vehicle, navigate busy roads, understand and observe the traffic laws, and deal with all the people they may have crammed into their car all within months of turning 16.  So why shouldn’t I want my grandsons to have an edge? I want him to be comfortable and competent behind the wheel, understand the nuance of controlling the car as only experience can teach, so that when he turns 16 and takes to the streets he can concentrate on learning to manipulate his way through traffic and all the things that come at you on a busy street.

Driving the car is easy, surviving other drivers on the road is not. Perhaps 10 was a little young to start but no way will I leave the whole thing until they are within spitting distance of a licence.

7.14.2012

"Grampy, I'm bored"

Don't you just love it when a kid tell you that? They walk up and announce it while you're hanging their clothes, or making their lunch, or halfway through the other fifty chores that keep them clean and safe like you're supposed to drop everything and entertain them. Maybe he think I'm going to suddenly pull 2 tickets out of my pocket and say, "Look! I have first class tickets to the Moon and the rocket leaves in 3 minutes!" or instantly grow a big red nose, green hair and size 150 feet so I can entertain him like the clown he thinks I am. Perhaps he's imagining that I'll drop everything, cry out "poor lad!" and take everyone instantly to buy ice cream and treats (which isn't far from the truth).

Alas, it is not meant to be. "Get used to it, kid. It builds character."

7.12.2012

Doc needs to do some growing up


Although he is almost 7 years old Doc behaves like a 4 year old. His speech is still sloppy, even though he knows how to pronounce words better, he just doesn’t bother. He acts helpless when he’s told to do the simplest things. He seems to think “I don’t know” is a good answer for everything. And so on and so forth. Today at day camp, he was throwing rocks at cars. And he has a lot of anger that he throws at his dad. All normal enough stuff.

Most 6 and 7 year olds are just  starting to recognize they aren’t the only person in the world, that the universe is populated with other people that matter, too. It’s a tough nut to swallow because being the center of attention is a good gig that we get used to from birth.

Doc needs to understand that he can be just as important as everyone else without having to be king. We need to expect more of him and hold him to accountable when he doesn’t live up to it. It doesn’t have to be tough, but he’ll think it is because he’s been dodging what’s been put in his path so far. (It’s amazing the lengths kids will go to avoid doing something that would have been easier to just do in the first place). We’ll also need the cooperation of his brothers which may be the hardest thing of all to get.

Understanding kids isn’t difficult. But what you have to do with the information sure can be.

7.10.2012

Where do they hear this stuff?

The boys are swearing at each other with increasing nastiness. Unfortunately, it's a trend that is hard to stop. I'll admit that I drop a few swear words here and there, maybe more than I ought, but not name calling of the racist, sex infested, bullying crap that is leaking out of their lips. This stuff is coming from a different source - Tio.
Where does our young teen get it from? Where doesn't he! Friends, movies, TV, the internet, life in general. This kind of language is so pervasive it's impossible to curtail. The worst part is that Doc, at his single digit age, is the most impressionable and doesn't even understand what he's repeating. Worse, he's using these words at friend's homes and school. The other night he was calling Tio such a harsh name that Tio punched him. Ironically, Tio gave him the word in the first place. Tonight they were calling each other a racist term that even television personalities won't use. A word that is not used in this house.
I came down on all three of them like a ton of bricks. Doc first, to make it clear that if I hear them again there will be real trouble. Then I took the other two out for a spin and nearly knocked their heads together I was so mad. I told them if they can't keep their mouths shut because it's a terrible influence on Doc, they better do because they really won't like the load of trouble I'll bring down on their heads if they keep it up.
I don't think this is the end of it. Using bad language has a strong attraction for kids. Simply because it's taboo is reason enough to swear. They think it sounds cool, or tough, or grown up. Some words are descriptive, abjectives to add weight in a sentence. Others are just plain mean and raw and meant to insult or really hurt. Those are the ones that I truly object to. The older boys know the difference and don't care how damaging it is to their baby brother.
I guess the time has come to make them care.

7.09.2012

This bird has flown


Danny came over this morning to fix some loose boards on the deck. He made such a racket that the first of the robin babies decided it was time to leave home and flew off. The second one went right on her tail. The third one hunkered down, deciding that it was safer to stay put. His momma came and nattered at him to get a move on, even pushed him to the edge of the nest but he wouldn’t budge. A few hours later he spread his wings for the first time and went out to meet the world.

It’s interesting how everyone is different, even the birds. That little sucker stuck to the bottom of the nest until it occurred to his bird brain that his food source had dried up and momma wasn’t coming back. Time to go.

It seems we all face times when we have to ‘jump out of the nest’ for any number of reasons. Some of us leap right away, some follow the leader, and others stick like glue until all other options are exhausted.

7.08.2012

Making irreversible decisions


Kit wants to cut bangs in his hair. Right now he has shoulder length hair that he curls and straightens and styles in a number of ways. I’ve told him that once he cuts bangs, he can’t undo it. He understands that and has been hesitating. 

Tonight, when he brought it up again, I laid the issue out clearly for him. “Cutting bangs will make you look a lot more like a girl, regardless of what clothes you wear. It is a girl’s style and there will be no mistaking that you want to look feminine. Personally, I have no problem with it and neither does anyone else in the house. (Tio kept his mouth shut) But the fact is,” I said plainly, “this would be a move that will draw a lot of attention to the fact that you really want to look like a girl, not just look different, and there is no turning back.”

We stared a long moment at each other while he soaked that in. He definitely wants the bangs. He’s not sure about the grief it might bring him from some kids who will tease him - and they will. He doesn’t mind a certain amount of trouble but I’m not sure if he’s ready to go this far.  I suppose he could cut it all short if it doesn’t work out, but I don’t think he wants that.

It will be very interesting to see what he decides because this could be a very transformative moment in his life. Not because hair in itself is that important, but because he would be taking a significant step towards fulfilling his lifelong pursuit of a feminine identity.

Rebooting my world

Okay, so I guess I'm still not up to blogging every day yet. A boy can dream. I just get so damn tired that my brain goes blank and I can't think of a thing to write - or much else. Not much has happened in the past couple of days. The birds are crowding each other out of the nest ready to go, the boys have been visiting their mom who's in town for the week, and one of the bitches is in heat again so we have to keep all the dogs separate for the next couple of weeks. Poor Gulliver is going crazy (typical male) mounting everything that moves and whining through the night.
 My life seems to be drifting back to some semblence of normal and I don't know if I'm ready for it - which surprises me - because I don't know what normal is anymore. I don't suppose anyone should be too prepared to return to endless laundry, bickering, and a constant demand for attention. I need to step back and realize how far the boys have come in the past 2 years so that I can appreciate where I'm restarting from.
First off, they don't fight nearly as much as they used to. Day to day living is fairly calm, if busy and noisy. Everyone knows the expectations and lives up to them for the most part. Right now, I'd have to say that Kit is showing the most maturity for his age. Something I would not have expected 2 years ago when they moved in. He was deeply troubled, still is in many ways, but I think he understands himself better than Tio. Partly because he embraces his differences instead of being ashamed or afraid. That fearlessness will serve him well when he grows up.
Tio has regressed a bit, as early teens will, and is having a hard time understanding limits. I guess that surprised me because he is so smart and has a natural talent and ease about him. Underneath his bluff self control is some serious self doubt. While Kit wrestles with his doubts openly Tio denies his and hides behind ego.
Little Doc is still a chatterbox and all boy. He turns 7 in a few weeks and aside from swearing too much with language he learned from Tio, he's doing fine.
As for me, I know I've changed since my illness and it will take time to understand just how and what it means to my relationship with the boys. I want to be there 100% for them but 100% of what is the question that I don't yet have an answer to.

7.03.2012

Babies grow up so fast!



I went away for a couple of days this weekend and came home to find a full nest of birdies on the deck all looking for food and an empty nest of puppies with only Sammy Malone left.

Life moves fast when you look away for a second.