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1.28.2012

I owe my wife an apology

Dear Light of my Life,
These past few weeks have been hell on Earth for you and me both. But perhaps harder on you. We both joke that we'd rather die before the other because neither of us wants to be left alone. There is a very serious undertone to that because we love each other so much. That's what makes this cancer such a terror. I can face whatever comes, but only because it's me, not you.

As you know so well, one way I deal with pain and uncertainty is through humor. I guess it feels better to laugh than cry. It relieves my tension and, when it works, the tension of those around me. So this week, I wrote a blog about going to the hospital that was intended to express humor in a difficult situation. Some of it was at your expense and you took offense. For that I am very sorry. It is my job to look after you and I let you down.

It was never my intention to hurt your feelings or make you feel like I don't appreciate you. On the contrary, you have been by my side and inside my head and heart through this and every ordeal in my life for close to 30 years. To offend you stings me to the bone. In a cheap attempt to be funny, I made you feel like you weren't sensitive to my pain. But that is anything but true. When I collapsed, you were right there. You got me to the hospital, stayed strong and lucid throughout and never asked for a thing. Now we're both on pins and needles waiting for test results and a hopeful positive prognosis. I know it's tearing you up inside even while you're dealing with everything with your usual outer calm.

I apologize for treating you badly. We're partners in this mess of a life we share. You always do and always will come first.