Halloween is here! Too much candy stuffed into small children - there's a scary thought!

Nicky Manaj

Halloween night has come and gone. Buddy took the younger boys out and Tio did a last minute thing when a friend picked him up. They all had fun and scored some goodies. Kit did his girl costume, this time as Nicky Manaj and I redid the Joker on Doc. This time he's looking downright scary!

Boys night out

I took Tio and a couple of his friends to pizza and a matinee as a belated birthday trip today. That's a first for me - taking out a group of kids with one of the grandsons. It's yet another level of committment I was hoping to sidestep. With everything else going on to keep me on my toes, I was figuring this would be a better "dad" bonding thing. Yeah, like that'll ever happen. A couple of weeks ago Buddy and Tio were supposed to go on a double date so Tio could bring a girlfriend but that fell apart. It was no fault of Buddy's but they never arranged to do something else. Which is where it fell back to me.

The boys were well behaved tonight, I like them and they like me and we had a fine time. That's not the problem. It's just that there are 3 grandsons and I'm not so sure I want to set this precedent. Does that make me callous or uncaring? I suppose if I say I don't care, the answer is: yes, I am uncaring. But should I care? I mean, is it my job to make sure the boys have friends over and do their share of 'entertaining'? Tish says no. It's not like they don't have friends they go see haven't got enough socialization elsewhere that they need to drag us into it.

Fair enough and I suspect, as with most other things, that I'll play it by ear. Maybe I'll go if I have the time, or I get talked or begged into it. I don't generally burn on the fumes of guilt so the "it's not fair, he got to go" argument won't really sell with me. On the other hand, if I can enjoy it, too, then maybe I won't mind going along for the ride.

It may turn into the only socialization I get. There's a sad thought.

I guess I'm just a big sap

summer sunset outside the house where I grew up

I’ve walked along the Great Wall of China, stood at the foot of the Eiffel Tower, taken a paddle boat on the Mississippi, seen the north pole from 30,000 feet, and watched whales and sea lions play in Puget Sound. I’ve seen sunsets that blaze with the glory of God and starry nights that are deeper than my imagination. In all of that still one of the most beautiful sights in the world might possibly be the grateful smile on your child’s face when you patch a bicycle injury, assure them that all is right with the world after they’ve been bullied or scared, or say goodnight after they’ve had a wonderful day.

You don’t have to travel too far to see the greatest wonders of the world.

"That costume is beast"

The Joker & his teacher

Today was the annual grade school Halloween parade through town where all the parents and onlookers pack Main Street while the kidlins march by in their costumes with their teachers in tow. The businesses used to open their doors and let their employees step onto the street and even give out goodies while the throng paraded by but the crowd seems to have seriously thinned out in the last couple of years.

As you can see, I decked Doc out as the Joker from Batman movies. It was an entirely homemade costume so I had to go into the classroom early with all the other moms and assemble it and paint his face. He loved every second of it. He was so excited to have his hair starched and colored green and then his face painted all in front of his friends. They all wanted green hair by the time I was done.

I left him there to take my spot downtown among the throng of admirers and when they all trouped by with beaming faces and ghoulish masks it was well worth it. When Tio got home from school and saw the pictures I took, in a complimentary tone he said, "That costume is beast!"

Taking on leadership roles in town

I had lunch yesterday with a friend I don't see enough of lately and she asked me to join a committee and help sort out some problems with the school. Like many parents, she is involved with several school committees but has been frustrated by how hard it is to accomplish real positive change in our district.

This is nothing new around here. Since I first came to town 2 decades ago I've heard nothing but frustration about the local school system from the low standard of education being taught, the high dropout rates, to difficulties parents have dealing with making significant change. Meanwhile, already high costs go up, administration gets larger and the kids are still facing the same problems. Getting involved is a real tar baby because the harder you push for change the more resistant the status quo becomes and I'm the kind of person who takes on a challenge with the object of acheiving a goal, not just moving the chairs around the committee room and calling it a job well done. I'm not afraid to push my way up the food chain and ruffle some feathers. Knowing how time and energy sapping all that can be makes me somewhat reluctant to say yes.

On the other hand, I first got to know this friend some 13 years ago by calling her up cold and asking her get involved in a heated campaign I was leading to keep an international waste corporation from turning our town into a regional waste destination. Talk about a tar baby. Well, not only did she get involved (and it was her first foray into community activism), but she brought other people along, fought hard for 2 years until we took our fight, our voices and our perserverance all the way to the governor's office and made the powerful corporation with the pots of money go away. It was very empowering and made us understand that dedicated people really can make a difference.

She is a strong and capable business owner in town and since our clash with the trash titans she has led many other projects from economic development to historic reconstruction that have made a huge impact on our town. So, busy as I am, there's no way I'll say no to her. Besides, we haven't had a chance to work together since we told Waste Management Inc. where to put its trash. We could be a formidable team and do our school and kids some good into the bargain.

Our young dog handler

Kit & Maddie work on the A frame

Kit is having great time working with Grammy at the animal shelter. They go in on Sunday's when it's quiet and do temperment testing on adoptable dogs to find out if they'll get along with kids. Now before anyone thinks 'Are you using a 10 year old as a guinea pig with dangerous dogs?', the answer is no. The dogs have already been tested as reliable and they only need to be introduced to kids to see if they'll shy away as a final test.

Kit loves it. He calls them to him, pets them, gives them treats and walks with them. He's good with dogs and likes our 3 very much. His other grandparents have a golden retriever that he misses a lot, too. The older he gets the better his concentration has gotten and Grammo has got lots of equipment and dogs for him to work with.

Sounds like their Sunday's are all set for the winter.

Are you living the dream?

Last Sunday Tio had a rap song stuck in his mind and kept repeating a particular line, "every day I wake up and dream the dream", until it got do annoying it lost all meaning. Then he'd paraphrase it to "Grampy, every day you wake up are you dreaming the dream?"

Finally I took the bait. "Do you think I am?"

He gave it some thought and replied, "I think so. You like making flutes and you don't want any money."

That made me laugh - as though those two things were related. Good thing I chose flutes, thinks I, because it'll keep me poor. "That's not what I've said," I corrected. "I said I don't CHASE the money. Big difference, huge. I could make great money in flutes if I lived near the factories and kept a job there. I could also make good money doing other things that are about the money, and not the life. Which, by the way, includes not taking you guys in. Because if I was into money, rasing you boys is definitely counterproductive."

"What's wrong with going after the money?" he asked.

"Nothing, I guess, but it depends on how or why you do. If you spend your whole life working a job you don't like just because it pays well, think of all the time and energy you spend going after the money without enjoying life." But then again, Tio is at an age where 5 bucks and a convenience store is all the happy he needs.

While we sat together on a cold stone park bench watching Doc play, I wondered about his original question: am I living the dream? After 35 years making flutes, at many times awkward and unpleasant, I finally found a way to enjoy the work every day. My marriage is wonderful, even though we barely have time for each other right now, health is good, we own out home outright and have no debt so the economic slump isn't hitting us in the face like an icy gale. Then there are the kids...

Would life be better without them? Would I be 'living more of the dream'? It would certainly be easier. We'd have more pocket money and a retirement fund. We'd have more time and room in our home to do the things we do. But better? No. That's where I guess I'd make the distinction. Raising these boys is my Everest and as tough a climb as it is, I dare those who climb mountains to stay home with their children and see which summit is the easier, or the more rewarding.

I guess I am living the dream. I wouldn't want it to be too easy. What would be the fun in that?

A shout out to Andrea

Richards Free Library

Our library director has kept our library running, successful, and growing for 23 years now. She is so good at her job that she runs hundreds of programs each year, the historic building is in good working order, and the library and staff are one of the centerpieces of our town. Why, she and I could both Google the same word and she gets better results - because even the internet likes her. She has given more than she may know to this town, and is special to her friends, of whom I would like to consider myself one (factoid: we share the same birthday).

This past summer, after always living in neighboring villages, she and her husband moved into town and it is great pleasure to run into her at the grocery store or say hello to her on Main Street on a Sunday afternoon. She has been so good to us, I just know the town will be good to her in return.

Welcome home, Andy.

Sleeping through another Saturday

Back at Monsieur D'onalds with a torrent of kids hanging off the walls and creating an atmosphere as only wild children can. I have Doc and Kit for the afternoon and we stopped here for lunch (I know, I know, I swore off the place but the coffee is good and the kids don't complain). Earlier this morning Kit was bossing the little brother around and Doc was giving as good as he got back. They yelled and screamed while their Dad got ready for work. I was supposedly still sleeping. Knowing I had the rest of the day with them, best to nip this nonsense in the bud.

I yelled down the stairs, "There's a new sherrif in town and he won't take any of your crap!" That shut 'em up for the moment. I'd only had 4 hours sleep by then,I went to bed at 4:30 this morning, and Kit was in a mood to keep stirring it up. I decided to employ the carrot and stick. "We'll go to McDragon's and then shop for Halloween stuff this afternoon. But first I'm going to catch another hour's sleep," I said, "and you guys will both be quiet and get along. Every time you fight will delay our departure by 15 minutes."

Man, if those 2 boys could have been quieter or more well behaved, I don't see how. They whispered while I nodded off: Kit telling Doc we didn't want 15 minute delays and Doc climbing up on the kitchen counters to see what snacks he could sneak. An hour later and I woke up with Bunnie lying on my face and Doc's head pressed into my stomach.

They've been in fine moods ever since and so have I.

A light in the attic

Tio has struggled with his self contol issues over the past year (as well described throughout my chronicles) and lately it's been over keeping control of his actions and behavior in the classroom. He arrived in 7th grade with an attitude that it was just another extension of elementary school where he could play class clown, chat in whispers with his friends and otherwise deprive everyone around him of their education. Within weeks he was getting detentions and written up by teachers without really understanding why. He always had someone else to blame and didn't like being lumped in the the "losers" (his word) in detention. Time to intervene.

First thing was to explain that he didn't have to be like them, he could be his own person. Secondly, the teachers expected more than ever before both in workload and attention span. Then I spoke with the teachers and came up with a plan. At the end of each class he would get a score from 1-5 on how much self control he showed.

The first week, last week, he did well enough. But the novelty wore off this week and he slipped, especially in science and math, even though going to Friday night's dance hung in the balance. Now, as all parents can attest these kinds of deals are fragile. If your kid fails early on, they might figure it isn't worth the trouble and drop it altogether. So I doubled down last night and said, "you get a 5 in math and I'll pay for the dance, too."

He came home with a 5 in math. Really pleased but surprised, I asked how he did it. "I acted like I was really depressed and didn't talk to anyone," he said. "It was no fun at all."

"Bingo! Welcome to school. You aren't there to have fun. It's about learning. Save the fun for outside of class. That may be depressing now but if you get into it, the learning can be fun all on it's own."

This is such a glimmer of light at the end of a long winter. I sure hope we can build on it.

My daughter, the constellation

I thought while I was talking about the women in my family, I'd repost something I wrote about my daughter when she got married last year. This is taken from my science fiction planckscaleblog in June of 2010:

My daughter Elise (aka Sugar) was married last Saturday. As father of the bride I searched for days wondering what I could say about her to the gathering but when I saw her standing in that dress it took me by surprise and words failed me.

I've gone to lots of weddings over the years and seen so many versions of gorgeous young woman in a special white gown built just for them. So many in fact, that their standout beauty became part of the uniformity of the occasion, even if the bride was someone close. Tuxedos, flowers, round table full of relative unknowns, white dress, vows, etc. all blended into one large garden party.

But the girl in the gown on Saturday shone out at me like a beacon of light, like all the trappings, including the tux I was strapped into, were all part of the invisible dark matter (well, this is an SF blog!) and she was the only particle of light in the whole universe. My! It took my breath away. It wasn't that she was the most beautiful girl in the world (that's a given), it was more: she and she alone turned the mundaneries of weddings into an event that I was privileged to be part of. I couldn't take my eyes or mind off her, seeing so radiant, thinking about her future and past, watching her live the night she'd dreamed of since she was old enough to dream. This wasn't a wedding - it was THE wedding, even more calamitous than my own.

To bring this special relationship that I'm sure many parents feel at their children's weddings, into a perspective that somewhat befits this blog, and follows what I've been saying the past few entries. The universe we see is only visible with the eyes that were evolved to survive in it. Maybe the truly beautiful, rare, and unusual can only be seen when our relationship with it is special.

Man bemoaning to bartender: "My wife understands me."

It'll be Tish's 62nd birthday in a few minutes. She's 9 years older than me and that never made any difference to either of us. It bothered some others way back when we first got married but we were always trend setters. We'll be married 25 years this next spring and together a few years longer on top of that. Our relationship has always been strong and close. We've had some bumps along the way - who hasn't - but what a ride!

Now that we have kids in our day to day lives again, it's put a strain on intimacy. We don't have the energy we used to, our very different schedules don't give us as much time together as we'd like, and when we finally do have an evening or a couple of hours we may not both be in the same mood as the other. In the past, when things were similar, we tried scheduling 'dates' a day or so in advance. Not such a great plan when you have no idea what mood you'll be in and it sucks any spontaneity out of romance.

Dont you think it's strange that human beings are sexual creatures all their lives. Most animals have heat cycles that run a couple of times year and the male isn't interested until the female says so. Not so the human creature. Even after menopause we still stay hot and bothered. I suppose that's a good thing for the length of life we lead but at the same time, sexual anxiety can be a burden on a long life filled with so many other anxieties. And this is from a man who loves his wife and thinks she's the sexiest broad in the world. I love sex and intimacy, but like everything else, it has it's place and I think for many couples, it can become a confusing and even a burden because its place in the relationship changes - and not always equally for each partner.

When you think about it, a long life with a single partner is a modern phenomenon and not so easy. Life expectancy when marriage was invented was 30 years. That only gave you 15 to 20 years with a 'lifelong' partner. Imagining 50 years together was an exception. Surviving it with an exclusive sexual partnership seems to be more than most couples can manage.

That's where Tish and I seem to luck out. When things are good, no one has a problem but we've had a symbiosis in our love over the years that synchs when we need it most. I guess that may be part of the secret to any long marriage - sychronicity. Some of it comes naturally, much of it comes with sacrifice and hard work on the part of both partners at different times.

Putting more miles on the washer than the car

It seems all I do during the day anymore is wash blankets. There are still 2 boys who wet the bed and believe me, the sheets and flannel pile up faster than snow in a blizzard. What makes it worse is that we line dry so they take up all the space that other laundry needs just to get us through the day. This past week it really got ahead of me. I must have turned my head for a moment and dropped a stitch because when I got to the bottom of the blanket pile I discovered a massive crop of smelly pants, shirts, drawers and who knows what that had been accumulating for an unspecified amount of time. Half of it had been clean before it got spread on the floor under the urine soaked bedclothes. It was like our little laundry area ('little' is being generous) had live carpet growing on it and I was the sorcerer's apprentice trying to bail it out while it kept getting deeper and deeper. What a nightmare.

You say - couldn't you just keep doing loads until it's all done? I wish! But the lines, as cleverly strung as they are, will still only hold two big loads - and that's without any blankets or sheets! Why not go to the laundromat, you ask? Why not indeed! If I had realized how deep in the muck I really was, I would have gone to the bank for a hundred rolls of quarters and filled every tub at the mat. But, fool that I am, self sufficient boob that I imagine myself to be, I smugly thought I was on top of it. "Pif!" says I, "2 load a day and I'll be caught up in no time - spit spot, as the Poppins woman used to say." Well, it took more than a spoonful of sugar to swallow this medicine, I can tell you right now. In fact, spoonful of soapflakes after spoonful of soapflakes and the floor is finally back to battle gray cement and the final load is burbling away.

Now all I have to do is get these boys to wake up at night for a pee, not leave their clean and dirty laundry in the same pile, stop spewing their clothes all over the place like a dog digging a hole when they are looking for something to wear, and to climb up on a stool when taking something off the line so that the clothes pins don't go flying all over the place and get stepped on and broken by the baker's dozen.

Is that all? I'd say the sorcerer had more than one apprentice.

Life among the dogs

I haven't mentioned much about the dogs lately. They're mostly background noise to our little pageant (busy and constant - but background all the same) and I don't often have that many interesting stories to tell. Tish always has great dog stories because she loves dogs so much that her stories are always fun. I'm not sure what conversation lights me up that much. Politics stokes my fire but it's not the same. The kids? Sure. But that's because they envelop my life so much these days not because they are my passion.

Gulliver & Bunnie

Anyway, we have a father-daughter pair of dogs in Gulliver and Bunnie. They get along but Bunnie is really my dog, and constant companion. Lately Gully has decided he wants a piece of that action but Bunnie won't hear of it. Too bad for her. We don't allow such possessiveness with any dogs because it only leads to resource guarding, surliness, and fights. So when Gully wants to get close and cuddle, Bunnie is all up in his face and I have to hold her back to give him a turn.

That's when the fun begins. Bunnie won't bite or growl at me so she squirms and licks my hand like she's trying to wear it right off my wrist. Gulliver, knowing she can't get at him, flops down in my arms and starts slurping his sloppy nose and tongue all over my cheek while one eye stays on her. I can almost hear him saying,"Ha ha, I'm licking your lollipop!". Then he rolls over on his back for a belly rub while she's moaning away: "Lemme attim. Lemme attim!" alternating with whines of "how can you do this to me? I thought we had something special going, you and me.". This goes on for 5 minutes or so until Gully has had enough and he slides away to lie on the floor to think doggie thoughts and dream doggie dreams. Bunnie bursts out of my grip and practically smothers my face with her fur as though she's trying to rub any trace of her treacherous father's slobber off me. Then she settles down beside me with a long harrummph.

This kind of thing goes on all day in different ways while all 3 dogs jockey for their positions, push each other around, mooching and bemoaning their lowly station in our world. So much so that it has become just part of everything else that goes on around here. I imagine to visitors at our little quagmire this all must look quite strange and a couple of years ago, I'd probably have agreed.

I wonder what kind of jambalaya we'll be stewing in a couple years hence.

Sirsy & Serendipity

A couple of months ago, typing away on my novel at the pub I saw a poster for a band that was playing that night called Sirsy (sir-see). Serendipity being what it is, the novel I've been plugging away on for so long is called Circe's Daughter (pronounced Sir-see). I had to go. Turned out to be a duo of talented rockers that play an original mix of metal and punk and rock. By the end of the night I bought their latest CD.

Last night, the dynamic Sirsy duo of Melanie and Rich were back in town again and in the intervening months Kit and Tio had fallen for the music on the CD. This time I took Kit to the show with me. (Tio was beat from playing football all day long and went to bed). The pub is small, the band is loud, the room was crowded and noisy. I know it's not normally a place for a young boy but kids are allowed to eat in the pub until 9 pm and this is not a rowdy, smoke filled room of roughs shooting pool and breaking into drunken fights that one might imagine from movies. This is a restaurant/tavern full of good natured neighbors. We got a table in the front, Kit got autographs, we spoke to the performers, and had a root beer. He was nervous at first but had a great time. Being able to watch live music performed that close up isn't so easy to get to in rural New Hampshire and the experience was worth it for both of us.

Next Saturday night he and I are going to see a live performance of Romeo and Juliet. There will be bloodshed that night for sure!

All politics is local

Last night our US senator stopped by a local fundraiser to help fill out the picture of what's going on in Congress. She was preaching to the choir. We all watch the news, discuss legislation, talk with our elected representatives and take an active interest in the issues facing us today. I've worked on many campaigns, run for office, and served in elective office. Politics is the grease that movitates and moves society forward and what, if not that, is more important for the future of our children? I could go on at great length about social responsibility, fiscal accountability, and economic integrity and probably will in future posts because it is inextricably connected to the life I lead with my family.

What bothers me most about today's current affairs, and there is plenty to choose from, is campaigns and political parties flagrant disregard for having to answer to the facts. Fox news is patently biased to the point of being propoganda. Members of congress make up their facts to suit ideology and when they are called on it, they simply say they didn't mean to be taken seriously. The media doesn't hold anyone accountable to the truth unless it will sell copy. This is a deadly combination. If a "news" outlet can call their exaggerated ideology the truth, candidates can get away with blatent lies, and the 4th estate doesn't hold them accountable then where does the public get reliable information to make informed decisions? Ignorance is no way for us to chaperone this country into the hands of the next generation and deception and dirty tricks is no way for politicians to work the system. What kind of message does that send our children?

Right now, this problem is most evident in the gap between the Republican party and it's supporters. I'm not sure if a lot of Republicans are aware of what their national and state parties are up to. They came into office campaigning on jobs and economic growth and have spent their time on dismantling women's rights, voters rights, and the middle class. This is happening all across the country and I don't believe if they had campaigned on what they are actually doing, that their rank and file supporters would have voted them into office. The party itself has changed so drastically in the past 2 decades that I don't think a lot of supporters are aware of what has happened. (If they are, then my apologies - but that's a different discussion.) Right now, though, the time has run out on taking for granted what our so-called leaders tell us. We all have to look more closely at what is being done on our behalf by the people we elect. Not just what the media tells us, but look at voting records, understand legislation, and inform our reps of what we expect from them.

There hasn't been a more important time for activism in 30 years. Not since the Great Depression have we faced world wide economic troubles this severe. in this congress, our elected members spend 60% their energies working on re-election fundraising (making them beholden to whoever gives them the most money). They are blinkered about making sure the other party doesn't stay in office, without understanding in the least that if you learn to work together, it diminishes your differences, more gets accomplished and we all win.

If you say you don't care or don't get engaged because "they are all the same" you diminish your voice and our democracy. If we don't get their (and our) heads out of the sand and face the storm that is coming, our children won't stand a chance of doing as well as we have, and there won't be anyone in Washington to teach them political right from wrong.

A good joke

Watching Brett Butler doing stand up comedy on Hulu last night and she had a great line about kids running around the house.


"You gotta watch out when it gets to quiet outside. That means one of 'em is dead, the second one is burying him, and the third one is thinkin' up a lie."

Girls...go figure

Tio became a teenager last Friday and he's going on his first date this Sunday. I've been very reluctant to let him have a 'girlfriend' because he is immature for his age. On the other hand, he's a teenager and unless I plan on following him around 24/7 he's going to be hanging with the girls, making his moves, and picking a fave. My worry is that he develop a healthy respect for women. This is a critical time for this. It's hard enough for boy's in general but Tio was abandoned by 2 mothers at different times in his young life, his father's respect for women is seriously lacking (to put it politely) and I want to be very sure that he develop positive attititudes towards the fair sex. Personally, I've always befriended women much more easily than men since I was a teen, sometimes to the annoyance of my wife, because I understand women and don't have a clue what makes a typical man tick. Tio is the opposite. He's all testosterated sportster male animal. So, it's important to make sure he understands how women think and feel better than his crew of boys who give him ignorant teenage advice about girls (Seriously - yesterday he told me about some fictitious vaginal diseases his friends had told him about that made me cringe).

All that takes time and patience which is why I don't think he's ready to 'date'. However, in the spirit of compromise, I said, "while I won't promote it, I won't oppose it." In the split second that it takes for a young boy to think up a lie, he was looking over my shoulder at his dad. "Say, Dad, can you take me and..." The upshot being he and Buddy are going on a double date to the movies on Sunday. Marcia gave Tio a wad of movie gift certificates for his birthday so he's paying for everyone.

In some ways, I wish I was there for the event. You know, a milestone and all that. On the other hand, it's a good thing for a dad to do. It also lets me stand back with my reluctance while still allowing him to go. In the words of too many populist therapists - that's a win-win for everyone.

Understanding the opposite sex doesn't come naturally any more than learning trigonometry.

It's all water under the fridge

Sometimes minor change is more significant than the big stuff. You know, the subtle things that slip in under the radar unnoticed if you aren't paying attention that indicate something important.

Having just finished a modest home renovation (I'm more Tim Allen than Bob Villa) that is built for industrial strength wear complete with a new fridge (Maytag's Moby Dick model) to finally replace the leaky old one that's been leaking all over the floor for the past year, all indicating that we are bracing for a life with 5 growing larger and messy men in it for the forseeable future. We need work space that says "cook, eat, spill" not "Martha Stewart would approve".

The second smallish but significant indicator of big change came last night after the boys got home from their 3 day visit to their other grands new house on Cape Cod, I found Doc curled up on the sofa downstairs crying his poor eyes out. He was so sad that the weekend was over and Gramma and Grandpa were gone that he couldn't contain it. I tried to console him and assured him they'd go back again for Christmas or maybe Thanksgiving and that he could always call them and so forth but it didn't help much. He was miserable. He'd had a wonderful time - they all had. They liked the new home and everyone got along and felt part of the family in a way I haven't heard them talk about for quite some time. Without more, Doc's tears had said it all.

Last Friday I drove the boys halfway to the Cape meet their grampa. I won't deny I've been angry at how long and badly things got dragged out over the 4 years that stretched out the end of Buddy's and Debbie's marriage. I felt it could have gone easier on the kids, taken a lot less time and cost a lot less money to arrive at the place we are basically at now and I laid blame all over the place which made it hard for me to talk with the other grans the past 2 years. However, it's time to move on. We need to work together so that the boys can get to their home, have a strong relationship and not have to relive any anxieties of the past. Driving them part way is as good a way to start building that bridge as any.

The past needs to become the past because, as the old saying goes, it's all water under the fridge.

The best laid plans of mice and men...

I took the weekend off. The kids went away for the long weekend to visit their other grands and we had the place to ourselves. Buddy's employer, a good friend of mine, even offered to find ways to keep him at work if we really wanted the place vacated. I visited a friend in Boston, spent lots of time hanging out with Tish, avoided writing the blog, and hammered and painted the kitchen in preparation for the new appliances.

It was a good break because it appears that we are about to do yet another triple toe loop and we have no idea if it we will nail the landing or fall on our cold tuchises. Before Tish even got a chance to tell her employer about possible semi-retirement, her boss offered her a full time job doing what she loves to do and giving her full healthcare benefits. Needless to say, it isn't an offer we can easily refuse plus, it's an opportunity that she would love to have.

That puts me smack back into the role of primary caregiver to the boys. While for the most part I don't mind, I was looking forward to the added help that Tish was offering. Then again, if she's working full time, I don't have to spend time in the flute shop doing work I'd rather not and can concentrate on my art. All very tempting, and inevitable in that quite often when change comes you either take it or fight with it but you can't turn your back on it.

So here I am late on Sunday night looking at what I've done with my kitchen to make it easier and more enjoyable to work in. Buddy got a nice bonus at work that he donated to the kitchen and with Tish's prospects improving we decided to get a stove and a (gulp) dishwasher along with the new fridge. I'll have more counter and storage space, easier access to tools and feel much more like getting my hands dirty up to the elbows with flour and sugar and spaghetti sauce. I'm pumped about it right now. We'll have to see how it all settles down and the cold weather creeps in.

The winds of change blow often and fast around these parts.

Go Pink

I'm going to step aside from my narrative today and ask everyone to consider doing something pink for breast cancer awareness month. Cancer is a pox on all out houses. We all know someone who has died or is dying from cancer in our lives and breast cancer is all part and parcel of the whole nasty package.

A grandma blogger friend is focusing on finding a cure for this particular plague and you can find all sorts of info on her blog The Nanahood to help you join the fight.

So if you have the time, the inclination, the color or even a bit of cash to donate, let's make noise this October and let everyone know that breast cancer's days are numbered.

Let's Go Pink.

Teacher: What's the difference between electricity and lightning? Student: Lightning is free.

The power went out over half our county yesterday. An accident somewhere in the wilderness of wires that took them 14 hours to find and fix. School let out at noon. Tish and I took the brood to McDesperates where electricity was still flowing. They could eat, play, use working toilets and we had coffee. Perfect. We got out all the candles, bought subs for supper, ate half melted ice cream and played monopoly until dark. I told "everyone with a penis has to pee out in the bushes".

The only one who had a hard time with it all was Doc. The concept of power down represents a lack of control even to his little brain and he worried the day away wondering where the power went, when it would come back, and who had it in the first place. We read our bedtime stories upstairs by candlelight and I stayed by his bed until he fell asleep. Unfortunately, the juice wasn't back on by the time he had to get up for his midnight pee and his anxiety kicked in afresh.

The combo of an anxious Doc and his dad trying to calm him down is like trying to mop up water with a slice of cheese. I don't know why Doc has such a problem with Buddy this way. They adore each other but there's some hair trigger issue that sits near the surface of Doc's mind that makes him whine and complain and get furious over things that he wouldn't complain about with Grammo and me. So they fought over going back to bed, taking a pee, and whatever else Doc could think up.

An hour later he curled up on the sofa still wailing with Buddy nowhere to be seen. I went in to see what was up. He wouldn't talk but he was willing to nod. "Are you in pain?" I asked. No. "Are you scared?" No. "Wanna tell me what's bugging you?" No. "Are you mad because you want to yell at Daddy and he won't come out of his room?" Nod. There we go.

Yeah, well I wouldn't come out of my room for that, either, thinks I. So I sat there for the better part of an hour with one hand laid for comfort on his little belly, telling him stories in a low even voice about my own childhood. Halloween, life with my brothers, daydreams, whatever popped up. He was quiet the whole time. But he hadn't gone to sleep. Finally, his face emerged from the blankets, we shared a couple of cookies and he was ready to sleep.

I like being able to do that for the boys. I like being a calming influence when their nerves are jambly. But I wish Buddy could do it, too. I fear it's a level of trust, even for Doc, that they don't have. He'd fall under a bus for them but they aren't feeling it. I don't know how to help that. You feel what you feel and that is non-negotiable until you feel differently. I wonder if they know that I love him as much as I love them.

I wonder if that would make a difference to them.

Age before beauty, pearls before swine. All that we have is the passage of time.

Sometimes having this second shot at parenting feels like one of those movies where the middle aged guy pulls the old switcheroo with their teenaged kid or go back in time to relive their lost youth. They get all their memories and feelings and experiences intact able to redo the whole thing right.

Except, of course, in our case we didn't go back to reraise our own kids - they don't have the same experiences or the same background. So we aren't actually getting a redo to fix our old mistakes. At the same time, we do have a chance to do things better and to help guide their father, our son, in a positive way. That's a bit of a redo - the chance to help Buddy sort things out for himself and his kids. The big question is: what advantage has our experience actually brought?

The biggest thing I notice about all the first time parents I see on the ballfield, in the doctor's waiting room, and at school is the insecurity of being unsure about what they're doing. Most mask it well enough but the hard little secret we all know is parenting is scary business because there are no guidebooks and rules to help make the right choices (except the erroneous voice of your own mother rattling around the back of your brain) and say "I know for sure I'm doing the right thing". Many have it right, some seriously screw it up, and we all make mistakes. But that day to day struggle that keeps us up each night questioning raising our voices, denying a privilege, forcing the confession of a lie, and making them eat those damn beans has no absolute right or wrong answer. What I know absolutely is that, with the exception of extreme behavior and cruelty, it's all as water over a stone, shaping and smoothing them through years of caresses and nudging.

Alas, as the movies always turn out, you can never really go back. And that's frightening too when you're raising a child who will have to survive what you have laid out for them. This time around I do have more confidence. We do know what the kids will face as they grow older and understand a fairly clear path to help them there. We can pace ourselves better knowing outcomes and realizing that nothing will come in too much of a hurry. But that doesn't exclude us from doubts, mistakes, and skating uncharted roads. After all Buddy was never the jock that Tio is and Kit is gay. They are unique people and that makes everything up for grabs.

I wouldn't want it any other way.