School vacation started on Friday and the boys are spending a few days with their mom at her parent's house. So what did I do? I throw my back out yesterday and I'm laid up in bed. I was hoping to catch up on housekeeping, find a bit of time with my wife on her days off, and a bit of a break to catch up on my own work. I even started hammering an Egyptian folklore flute last night. Instead,.Tish is spending her precious day off cleaning house.
So I'm lying here with the dogs, who jump up at the slightest movement hoping we're going somewhere, watching an indefinable opera with teeny tiny subtitles on PBS (it's peasants vs. jackboots - I think the peasants are losing.), and swallowing cough syrup for this throat culture I've been cultivating for the past two weeks. (I don't need to travel to Jupiter to meet aliens, they're living in my larynx.)
Bloody hell ....it's 8 hours later, I just woke up and the Oscars are on. I fell asleep at the iPad. There's s day I'm not going to get back thanks to extra strength bowl you over drool in your sleep cough syrup.
Time for a nap.
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2.27.2011
2.25.2011
I can take a joke...I think
I was pulling my boots on this evening and noticed something for the umpteenth time. "You know," I said to Tish, "My right foot is bigger than my left."
"Maybe it swelled from spending so much time in your mouth," she shot back.
My wife is quick. :0)
"Maybe it swelled from spending so much time in your mouth," she shot back.
My wife is quick. :0)
2.24.2011
Classroom visit with a twist
I spent an hour today reading my last novel THE AQUANAUTS with Tio's class this morning. I've done class visits all over the continent and taught creative writing to this age kid quite a bit through the past decade but this is the first time a lot of the faces in the room were familiar to me. I see them on the ice rink, at the rec center, playing baseball, and at the library. Last week one boy shouted across the ice "Hey Tio's grandfather. Will you be reading to our class?"
Tio was particularly pleased that I was there. He called me "Jean" the whole time and confided that everyone would want to hear about my burned hand. On my way out he flashed our secret hand signal that we invented for our bike club with Kit and haven't used in a while. I signaled the response and heard some other boys muttering in awe that we had some secret code language.
I haven't done class readings in a couple of years and forget how thirsty the kids are for this kind of input. I've never had a class be disruptive or rude, never felt they didn't care and always get lots of questions. I guess I should get out there more. It might inspire me to get this next book finished!
Tio was particularly pleased that I was there. He called me "Jean" the whole time and confided that everyone would want to hear about my burned hand. On my way out he flashed our secret hand signal that we invented for our bike club with Kit and haven't used in a while. I signaled the response and heard some other boys muttering in awe that we had some secret code language.
I haven't done class readings in a couple of years and forget how thirsty the kids are for this kind of input. I've never had a class be disruptive or rude, never felt they didn't care and always get lots of questions. I guess I should get out there more. It might inspire me to get this next book finished!
Lending a hand
It was my day off but I had a meeting at Tio's school anyway. It wasn't about him. For the past several months I've been involved in an education restructuring committee for the school. I figure since we'll have 2 more boys going through there, I want to understand what's going on and help make it a better place. It's an interesting process working with some teachers and other parents to determine the strengths and weaknesses of the school. So far we've only assessed what the issues and problem areas are. The next and biggest step is to figure out how to solve them.
It's not like I've got tons of time to give but this is good for the school, good for the town, good for our boys, and good for all the children that will go through those doors in the coming years. I hope we're up to the task.
It's not like I've got tons of time to give but this is good for the school, good for the town, good for our boys, and good for all the children that will go through those doors in the coming years. I hope we're up to the task.
2.23.2011
Call me Ish
Tio has taken to calling me by my first name. Not all the time and more recently I get 'Jean' (French for John). He tried out a variety of nicknames that didn't work (Goose was a particularly bad one) and finally decided my real name would work for the time being. He still switches to Grampy often enough.
Tish would prefer they call her Grammo but I've never been a stickler for titles. Buddy and Sugar used my name when they were young and then came back to Dad and Pa respectively once they wore the idea out. I did the same thing when I was 12 calling my mother Janet. She gave me a queer look but didn't complain. It was intermittent, resurfaced when I was a young adult and now I call her Ma. Have done for scores of years. I think I was just asserting some independence and when I found it I returned comfortably to a term of endearment.
I know a lot of people take exception to having their kids call them by their names, even consider it disrespectful. Especially step-parents who desperately want to be accepted by the child. But I'm not so sure it really should be about the name. It's about who you are and how you connect.
I'm part parent, part friend, part Grampy, and a dash of whothehellknowswhat. I guess you could put any name you like to that combo. Kit likes Grampopotumus, Doc goes for Grampo, and Tio thinks Jean is the bees knees. If there's a dose of affection in the name and how they use it, I'm okay with that.
Just don't call me late for dinner.
Tish would prefer they call her Grammo but I've never been a stickler for titles. Buddy and Sugar used my name when they were young and then came back to Dad and Pa respectively once they wore the idea out. I did the same thing when I was 12 calling my mother Janet. She gave me a queer look but didn't complain. It was intermittent, resurfaced when I was a young adult and now I call her Ma. Have done for scores of years. I think I was just asserting some independence and when I found it I returned comfortably to a term of endearment.
I know a lot of people take exception to having their kids call them by their names, even consider it disrespectful. Especially step-parents who desperately want to be accepted by the child. But I'm not so sure it really should be about the name. It's about who you are and how you connect.
I'm part parent, part friend, part Grampy, and a dash of whothehellknowswhat. I guess you could put any name you like to that combo. Kit likes Grampopotumus, Doc goes for Grampo, and Tio thinks Jean is the bees knees. If there's a dose of affection in the name and how they use it, I'm okay with that.
Just don't call me late for dinner.
2.22.2011
Childhood firsts
Tonight was one of those nights that are part of childhood big moments. Like the first step, first word, first tooth, Doc read his first book at bedtime. A little ditty called "Chicken Goes Cluck" that we picked up at the library over the weekend. He struggled with some words got some help with others but worked his way through the whole thing by himself. I was so pleased and so was he. He jumped up and down and held his fist up like Rocky Balboa crowing "Yes!" with wide eyed wonder in his eyes like he couldn't believe it himself.
I got to be the one reading to both Tio and Kit when they broke this barrier, too, and it is a great moment. Theirs was "Go, Dog, Go" and I loved to see the same struggling concentration in their faces and voices to match their thoughts to the symbols to make words, to really understand what the page said, not just mimic or memorize what was read aloud. Like other firsts, it is a milestone. One that opens the world of literature and language to them and for a split second, they imagine anything is possible.
Today Chicken Cluck - tomorrow particle theory, Alice in Wonderland, and stereo instructions.
I got to be the one reading to both Tio and Kit when they broke this barrier, too, and it is a great moment. Theirs was "Go, Dog, Go" and I loved to see the same struggling concentration in their faces and voices to match their thoughts to the symbols to make words, to really understand what the page said, not just mimic or memorize what was read aloud. Like other firsts, it is a milestone. One that opens the world of literature and language to them and for a split second, they imagine anything is possible.
Today Chicken Cluck - tomorrow particle theory, Alice in Wonderland, and stereo instructions.
2.21.2011
Kids as Rx
My sister Katrina is like the Pied Piper with kids. They traipse around after her scooping up what magic she spills in their path. In the past 2 days they built a snow fort, played monopoly, went to the movies, read stories, danced the two step, and enjoyed her treats like manna from heaven. It's a gift that everyone enjoys.
She and I share that magic ability with kids. I don't know where it came from but In any room we enter they glom to us like iron filings on a magnet. When we were young and went to family gatherings or parties where there were small children I never sought them out the way she did. They came to me. Our eyes would meet as they checked me out talking with their parent or sitting on my own. I'd smile and make a friendly sign and before too long they'd be telling me stories or I'd be on the floor tying shoes, helping them balance a full paper plate at the buffet table, or fixing the toy that inexplicably fell apart in their hands. Being shy and and a loner I didn't engage all that well with kids my age and certainly wasn't good with the adults. But the open honesty of young children was different.
When I was 14, I spent a week with an aunt and uncle in DC. Their two oldest daughters were 9 and 7 and they found me fascinating. They attached themselves to me from the end of school day until they were scooted off to bed and I loved it. At the time i was incredibly lonely and had no friends at school and spent all of my waking hours lost in daydreams or playing my flute. The Lincoln Memorial, National Gallery and Smithsonian were all filler waiting for the girls to come home and make me feel good about myself. This was a wake up call telling me that there were people out there who could like me. It opened a door that started me to attempt to communicate outside myself and learn social skills that my daydreaning and 4 hours of flute practice every day didn't afford. Ten years later I ran into those cousins at another cousin's wedding and they didn't remember me at all. No matter. It didn't change what they had done for me and I thanked them.
As I find myself telling the boys to give Katrina some breathing room and shooing them off to go find something else to do, I remember that oasis 40 years ago and recognize that Kat enjoys this as much as the boys. After being among strangers for 2 months in Mexico, having family that are that are excited to see you and have you around is a special thing. It's a connection that will last a lifetime.
Children will always bring out in you whatever it is you bring to them.
She and I share that magic ability with kids. I don't know where it came from but In any room we enter they glom to us like iron filings on a magnet. When we were young and went to family gatherings or parties where there were small children I never sought them out the way she did. They came to me. Our eyes would meet as they checked me out talking with their parent or sitting on my own. I'd smile and make a friendly sign and before too long they'd be telling me stories or I'd be on the floor tying shoes, helping them balance a full paper plate at the buffet table, or fixing the toy that inexplicably fell apart in their hands. Being shy and and a loner I didn't engage all that well with kids my age and certainly wasn't good with the adults. But the open honesty of young children was different.
When I was 14, I spent a week with an aunt and uncle in DC. Their two oldest daughters were 9 and 7 and they found me fascinating. They attached themselves to me from the end of school day until they were scooted off to bed and I loved it. At the time i was incredibly lonely and had no friends at school and spent all of my waking hours lost in daydreams or playing my flute. The Lincoln Memorial, National Gallery and Smithsonian were all filler waiting for the girls to come home and make me feel good about myself. This was a wake up call telling me that there were people out there who could like me. It opened a door that started me to attempt to communicate outside myself and learn social skills that my daydreaning and 4 hours of flute practice every day didn't afford. Ten years later I ran into those cousins at another cousin's wedding and they didn't remember me at all. No matter. It didn't change what they had done for me and I thanked them.
As I find myself telling the boys to give Katrina some breathing room and shooing them off to go find something else to do, I remember that oasis 40 years ago and recognize that Kat enjoys this as much as the boys. After being among strangers for 2 months in Mexico, having family that are that are excited to see you and have you around is a special thing. It's a connection that will last a lifetime.
Children will always bring out in you whatever it is you bring to them.
2.19.2011
A Shark Tale
My sister, Katrina, just came back from her travels visiting Mayan ruins, listening to salsa by moonlight and swimming with dolphins. She brought 3 shark's tooth necklaces for each of the boys. On the drive back from the bus where I picked her up, I said she should tell the boys a story about how she got the teeth right from the shark and see if they believe it.
So this morning she got up and gave the gifts to the boys and told the story exactly as I had suggested. "I was wading a little deep off shore and a shark swam up. I was so scared that I whacked it over the head with my umbrella and knocked his teeth right out! Well he swam away and I collected the teeth and went to a local store where the guy put them on these leather strings." It was such a stupid story and the tags were still on the necklaces that I was sure that at least Tio would groan. But nobody did. So we left it standing.
Later on, Katrina told me that Tio had been texting his friends this fantastic adventure that his great aunt had and Kit was getting all hyped up about show and tell on Monday. So, she spilled the beans.
I might have let the shark run. I mean, imagine believing a 55 year old lady beating the teeth out of a shark with an umbrella.
So this morning she got up and gave the gifts to the boys and told the story exactly as I had suggested. "I was wading a little deep off shore and a shark swam up. I was so scared that I whacked it over the head with my umbrella and knocked his teeth right out! Well he swam away and I collected the teeth and went to a local store where the guy put them on these leather strings." It was such a stupid story and the tags were still on the necklaces that I was sure that at least Tio would groan. But nobody did. So we left it standing.
Later on, Katrina told me that Tio had been texting his friends this fantastic adventure that his great aunt had and Kit was getting all hyped up about show and tell on Monday. So, she spilled the beans.
I might have let the shark run. I mean, imagine believing a 55 year old lady beating the teeth out of a shark with an umbrella.
Here we go again...
We bought Buddy a car today. Not just any car- a good car. We took a loan that he'll make payments on. The problem is, over the years we've poured more money into him than chicken soup, cough medicine, and good advice combined and all we've seen in return was bupkes. So why on Earth would we put another penny into the boy after all we've done for him and the kids?
That's a fair question with an unknown outcome. If I were to place a bet a year ago, I'd say we were sending good strudel after bad here but I have to acknowledge a couple of things. In many ways he's still very young and behaves more akin to a teenager. Things like short sighted goals, quick emotional shifts, making bad decisions based on unclear information. But after a year mixed together in a stable household, the parameters of our world are more clearly defined and have given him a chance to shed some bad past behaviors and become a real participant instead of a tenant. He's part of a family pooling its resources to survive and this car deal will save us all money over him going it alone and so put more cash in the household coffers.
But that's logic speaking and I have to rely on some intuition to navigate this. I can't be sure this won't blow ip in our face regardless of whether it makes sense or not. That's always been the past outcome. So I'm risking it again because of my gut feeling. The gut feeling that makes me believe this is a further step towards the family's success. It's the same gut feeling that told me the boys should all move in, the same gut that told me Tio's mom, Marcia, had changed to the better and the positives of reconnecting her with Tio outweighed the bad.
As it turns out, I'm taking the measure of my gut feelings much more than I ever used to. In the past, I would wind myself in knots trying to figure out all the angles, the logic, and the reason for doing everything. I realize now that can only take me so far. I need to trust some things to the gods and some things to intuition, and then let the rest take care of itself. It may not always work out but maybe that's not so terrible either.
That's a fair question with an unknown outcome. If I were to place a bet a year ago, I'd say we were sending good strudel after bad here but I have to acknowledge a couple of things. In many ways he's still very young and behaves more akin to a teenager. Things like short sighted goals, quick emotional shifts, making bad decisions based on unclear information. But after a year mixed together in a stable household, the parameters of our world are more clearly defined and have given him a chance to shed some bad past behaviors and become a real participant instead of a tenant. He's part of a family pooling its resources to survive and this car deal will save us all money over him going it alone and so put more cash in the household coffers.
But that's logic speaking and I have to rely on some intuition to navigate this. I can't be sure this won't blow ip in our face regardless of whether it makes sense or not. That's always been the past outcome. So I'm risking it again because of my gut feeling. The gut feeling that makes me believe this is a further step towards the family's success. It's the same gut feeling that told me the boys should all move in, the same gut that told me Tio's mom, Marcia, had changed to the better and the positives of reconnecting her with Tio outweighed the bad.
As it turns out, I'm taking the measure of my gut feelings much more than I ever used to. In the past, I would wind myself in knots trying to figure out all the angles, the logic, and the reason for doing everything. I realize now that can only take me so far. I need to trust some things to the gods and some things to intuition, and then let the rest take care of itself. It may not always work out but maybe that's not so terrible either.
2.18.2011
Ouch
While making supper tonight, the pan of Spanish rice bubbled over and spattered my hand. I've never seen skin peel off a body so fast before in my life. It was like watching a layer of paint peel off under a torch it happened so fast. I lost a layer of skin 2 inches by 1 inch leaving some raw meat. Ouch.
I spent the next half hour putting aloe juice on it while Tish and the boys got dinner on and cleaned up. It was nice to have all the boys all pitch in without one complaint. Now all I have to do is recover from this burn.
Ouch
I spent the next half hour putting aloe juice on it while Tish and the boys got dinner on and cleaned up. It was nice to have all the boys all pitch in without one complaint. Now all I have to do is recover from this burn.
Ouch
2.17.2011
The dog's day off
I saw my therapist today and all she did was pat me on the back for doing such a good job. She's the one who thinks I should open a home for wayward boys when I retire. Either she doesn't get the point of therapy or I don't. I thought she's supposed to help me understand my anxieties and stress and all that. Instead, I tell her what's going on and she says I'm a saint for what I've taken on. I must be missing something.
On the other hand, it was my day off and I got to do some writing and spent time reading about Dark Matter. I stayed out until fairly late and there were no calls to arms on my phone or ringtones of despair. I got home and the boys were all in bed and Buddy said it had been a great evening. No one fought, screamed, or complained. Kit went to bed on time without a problem and they even did the dishes. Buddy felt great about it because he wasn't on the fuzzy end of the lollipop wondering what happened like he so often is. It was really nice to see that I can take a day off without this little world falling in on itself.
Sometimes it's nice not to be needed
On the other hand, it was my day off and I got to do some writing and spent time reading about Dark Matter. I stayed out until fairly late and there were no calls to arms on my phone or ringtones of despair. I got home and the boys were all in bed and Buddy said it had been a great evening. No one fought, screamed, or complained. Kit went to bed on time without a problem and they even did the dishes. Buddy felt great about it because he wasn't on the fuzzy end of the lollipop wondering what happened like he so often is. It was really nice to see that I can take a day off without this little world falling in on itself.
Sometimes it's nice not to be needed
2.16.2011
Blog on, Grampy
A surprising sideline to writing this blog every day is that the older boys want to keep up with it. I try to be humorous at times, honest to what I see and feel, and find the personal core in what I write. Whether I succeed or not is up to the reader to decide. But one thing I'm not is all that flattering to our tumultuous little gang. We're a struggling band of humans with considerable ups and downs. I bare some nerves even as I try to show our heart.
But no matter what I write the boys don't take exception. I suspect they find it interesting to see themselves and the rest of us through my eyes. Some of the posts go right over their heads or don't hold their interest because they are more personal to me. But even that may bring an important perspective.
Now-- if I could just get them to write more posts.
But no matter what I write the boys don't take exception. I suspect they find it interesting to see themselves and the rest of us through my eyes. Some of the posts go right over their heads or don't hold their interest because they are more personal to me. But even that may bring an important perspective.
Now-- if I could just get them to write more posts.
2.14.2011
Eyes in the back of my head
While picking Kit up from his after school program today I asked innocently, "How was your day at the office?".
He gave me a strange look and said "I dunno." Then he kept looking at me and saying "What?".
I didn't think too much of it. The program supervisor said he had a good afternoon so I left it there.
Riding home in the car, I asked how his day went. He said, "fine." Then he quickly added, "Okay, I had to go to the office because of what happened at lunch." He confessed to getting rude with his food at lunch and getting a one way ticket to the principal's spare chair. "How did you know?"
"How did I know what?"
"That I had to go to the office?"
"I didn't."
"They didn't call you? Then why did you ask me how I did at the office?"
That's when I broke out laughing. "I asked how your day at the office was like asking how your day at school was. It's the way adults ask each other about their day."
"You mean I told you all that for nothing?" The tone of dread was priceless.
"Oh, don't sweat it, I'd have found out sooner or later anyway."
You gotta love serendipity.
He gave me a strange look and said "I dunno." Then he kept looking at me and saying "What?".
I didn't think too much of it. The program supervisor said he had a good afternoon so I left it there.
Riding home in the car, I asked how his day went. He said, "fine." Then he quickly added, "Okay, I had to go to the office because of what happened at lunch." He confessed to getting rude with his food at lunch and getting a one way ticket to the principal's spare chair. "How did you know?"
"How did I know what?"
"That I had to go to the office?"
"I didn't."
"They didn't call you? Then why did you ask me how I did at the office?"
That's when I broke out laughing. "I asked how your day at the office was like asking how your day at school was. It's the way adults ask each other about their day."
"You mean I told you all that for nothing?" The tone of dread was priceless.
"Oh, don't sweat it, I'd have found out sooner or later anyway."
You gotta love serendipity.
Do I do unto others?
Debbie called me yesterday while the boys were with her. I haven't spoken with her more than once or twice this past year. She wanted to know if she could see the boys for a couple of extra days over the upcoming school break. She has a hard time reaching Buddy and knows I can arrange it.
The problem is that over the years (up to and including the present) she's been anything but honest with me, told the kids I'm a liar countless times, lies to them, and has cost me a fortune in legal fees fighting for grandparent's rights and custody. Their final trial resulted in the court granting her very limited visitation and ordering her to pay child support, which she has not paid all year. Now she asks me for a favor.
I ask myself why I should facilitate for someone who so clearly dislikes me? She wouldn't do me the same courtesy. I'd just like one time to see her extend a real hand to make this world easier on the boys. Paying her back child support would be a good start.
I do want to make sure the best interest of the kids are served but if this was a situation with Tio, I'd be telling him I expect him to put something on the table first (see Friday's post) after being burned so many times. After all, she still has the option of working it out through Bud.
Is this one of those "turn the other cheek" moments?
The problem is that over the years (up to and including the present) she's been anything but honest with me, told the kids I'm a liar countless times, lies to them, and has cost me a fortune in legal fees fighting for grandparent's rights and custody. Their final trial resulted in the court granting her very limited visitation and ordering her to pay child support, which she has not paid all year. Now she asks me for a favor.
I ask myself why I should facilitate for someone who so clearly dislikes me? She wouldn't do me the same courtesy. I'd just like one time to see her extend a real hand to make this world easier on the boys. Paying her back child support would be a good start.
I do want to make sure the best interest of the kids are served but if this was a situation with Tio, I'd be telling him I expect him to put something on the table first (see Friday's post) after being burned so many times. After all, she still has the option of working it out through Bud.
Is this one of those "turn the other cheek" moments?
2.12.2011
Junior Diphthong
I'm pretty good at impressions and foreign accents and I've been reading bedtime stories to Doc all this past year using lots of different ones. Irish, English, French, Russian, and different American ones, too. Sometimes he says, "Grampy! Don't talk like that. Use your usual voice."
Well, today he was reading a story all on his own that he's memorized. He can barely read at all and he read it all entirely in a southern accent! It was so much fun to hear. He was laughing through the whole thing. I'll have to find a way to tape it. His words are hardly clear in his own voice so the imitation in a drawl was priceless.
Well, today he was reading a story all on his own that he's memorized. He can barely read at all and he read it all entirely in a southern accent! It was so much fun to hear. He was laughing through the whole thing. I'll have to find a way to tape it. His words are hardly clear in his own voice so the imitation in a drawl was priceless.
2.11.2011
Reaping what you sow
Tio is dying to go to a midnight skate at the common for winter carnival tonight. His friends, especially his latest girlfriend, will be there. The problem for me is I just don't have the energy or will to drive around town in the dead of night and besides, the late nights are my own personal quiet time. I already took them out for pizza and went skating earlier and we just finished watching a movie.
He's spent the entire evening trying to make a deal so I'll take him downtown. "I promise I'll do this, I promise I'll do that". The problem is he always promises and never follows through. The latest behavior we're trying to curb with him is his foul mouth. He's developed a foul mouth and some rude talk that is unbecoming of anyone and especially a boy his age. We've been telling him for weeks in no uncertain terms it has to stop or there will be some real consequences but he's not got the message. Now he's hit the wall and thinks I'm the one being unfair.
Isn't it always the case that they do what they want and then plead and scream foul when it catches up with them. I told him that I want to see him show progress up front before I go out of my way for him. So the first thing he does after realizing the answer really is "no" is to cop an attitude with Buddy who just got home from work at 10:pm because he doesn't want to go out at midnight either. So much for earning good faith points for next time.
He's spent the entire evening trying to make a deal so I'll take him downtown. "I promise I'll do this, I promise I'll do that". The problem is he always promises and never follows through. The latest behavior we're trying to curb with him is his foul mouth. He's developed a foul mouth and some rude talk that is unbecoming of anyone and especially a boy his age. We've been telling him for weeks in no uncertain terms it has to stop or there will be some real consequences but he's not got the message. Now he's hit the wall and thinks I'm the one being unfair.
Isn't it always the case that they do what they want and then plead and scream foul when it catches up with them. I told him that I want to see him show progress up front before I go out of my way for him. So the first thing he does after realizing the answer really is "no" is to cop an attitude with Buddy who just got home from work at 10:pm because he doesn't want to go out at midnight either. So much for earning good faith points for next time.
2.10.2011
Finding the right road.
Today was much less tense for me. I did loads of laundry, caught up on chores and bills etc. and worked on my novel. Doc went sledding and I made paella for supper. After Buddy got home, I took the older boys skating in 7 degree weather while Tish spent the evening with our daughter.
Some of my tension comes as much from the adults as it does from the kids. Buddy's limitations with the boys can drive me up the wall and it makes the whole house tense when he's "on duty". But Tish is really struggling to make this work for her. This is clearly not the path she chose for herself (nor did I) and she clearly wants her life back. I can dig it and can wish for the same but it isn't going to happen. I've taken a different path by choosing to embrace the family life and make it work for the boys. While we're not at odds with each other over this, she feels that I need more time for myself (which is true), and would prefer that we leave the boys more to their fate with their dad. After all, we've given them a safe home and healthy environment, should we be expected to do more?
I can't argue with that logic. It's a perfectly reasonable path to take as grandparents. After all, we've all had trouble relating to our parents and many of us lead better or rich enough lives because of or despite this. On the other hand, when you see a train wreck barreling down should you help people out of the way or let them find the side of the tracks on their own? I can't say my sibs are better for our parents choices and neither can Tish. I know clear as a summer night that Kit will fall through the cracks without serious guidance. Tio, too.
I know I've chosen a tough path, a Danny Rose path, and I know it's going to cost me. But I see no other way. I just wish that Tisha didn't have such a hard time with it.
Some of my tension comes as much from the adults as it does from the kids. Buddy's limitations with the boys can drive me up the wall and it makes the whole house tense when he's "on duty". But Tish is really struggling to make this work for her. This is clearly not the path she chose for herself (nor did I) and she clearly wants her life back. I can dig it and can wish for the same but it isn't going to happen. I've taken a different path by choosing to embrace the family life and make it work for the boys. While we're not at odds with each other over this, she feels that I need more time for myself (which is true), and would prefer that we leave the boys more to their fate with their dad. After all, we've given them a safe home and healthy environment, should we be expected to do more?
I can't argue with that logic. It's a perfectly reasonable path to take as grandparents. After all, we've all had trouble relating to our parents and many of us lead better or rich enough lives because of or despite this. On the other hand, when you see a train wreck barreling down should you help people out of the way or let them find the side of the tracks on their own? I can't say my sibs are better for our parents choices and neither can Tish. I know clear as a summer night that Kit will fall through the cracks without serious guidance. Tio, too.
I know I've chosen a tough path, a Danny Rose path, and I know it's going to cost me. But I see no other way. I just wish that Tisha didn't have such a hard time with it.
Guilty Without Pleasures.
Today was my day off from the boys. I dropped a jewelry ad off to a local publication, went skating, got a haircut, took a nap and managed to write for a couple of hours on my novel. All in all a good day. Tish wouldn't be home until late so I decided to make enchiladas for everyone since Buddy would be home and there'd would be chaos getting through the evening without my supervision.
There was some typical arguing over the dishes, a bit of shouting at Dad, and the usual rude remarks that they just can't keep to themselves. If this had happened 6 months ago, I would have thought it a perfect, calm evening, an exception to be praised. But tonight it got under my skin and wore me down faster than a wave over sand.
I blasted Tio and Kit for taking away my quiet evening because if I left them alone Kit would scream at his Dad and Tio would slam doors and swear a blue streak about how bad things were.
I was really surprised to find myself completely spent by 8 o'clock. I suspect it's a good thing to keep raising expectations so that today's goal is tomorrow's standard. I just don't want to get so overwhelmed I can't stop to appreciate it.
I suspect I need to make sure my day off stays my day off. I just wish I didn't feel guilty doing it.
There was some typical arguing over the dishes, a bit of shouting at Dad, and the usual rude remarks that they just can't keep to themselves. If this had happened 6 months ago, I would have thought it a perfect, calm evening, an exception to be praised. But tonight it got under my skin and wore me down faster than a wave over sand.
I blasted Tio and Kit for taking away my quiet evening because if I left them alone Kit would scream at his Dad and Tio would slam doors and swear a blue streak about how bad things were.
I was really surprised to find myself completely spent by 8 o'clock. I suspect it's a good thing to keep raising expectations so that today's goal is tomorrow's standard. I just don't want to get so overwhelmed I can't stop to appreciate it.
I suspect I need to make sure my day off stays my day off. I just wish I didn't feel guilty doing it.
2.08.2011
Can You Inspire Creativity?
Last night I couldn't think of anything to blog on. Not that I was blocked, there just wasn't a fresh perspective to glean from the day. Thinking about that in itself, I'm lucky that I've never had writer's block. I can always find an idea or direction for what I'm working on (finding the time is another issue). Give me a premise and I can turn it into a story because I live inside my imagination.
Over the years I've tried ignite that in Tio and Kit. We've gone on adventures to the planet Fbiblinar, rescued the world from monster bunnies, forged dangerous white water rapids, created movies, rode our choppers to deliver fresh made dirt pizza, written stories and played dolls - all within a mile of our home. While it's all been good stuff in itself and sparked them in many ways, neither of them have really pursued the world of the imaginary.
Tio is a good writer. He uses words well and in some original ways. He's very practical in his focus, though. Follows sports and lets video games do his imagining for him. His imagination may blossom but he's not all that interested in exercising it right now.
Kit only imagines himself as being famous without doing anything creative to spark it. Nothing wrong with that for a 10 year old. I'd love to see him push just a bit harder with music or drawing but unless the "mood" takes him, he doesn't want any part of it.
I hope that will change for both of them as time goes by. When they need ideas and creative influence, digging down within themselves would be a great place to find it. Their dad and aunt aren't creative at all and no amount of working on it made it happen.
Creativity is an amazing gift. Whenever I visit schools as an author the first question they ask is "where do you get your ideas?". There is no way to answer that.
I can't make it happen, I can only hope to help them find it in themselves. That goes for kids on school visits and the boys right here at home.
Over the years I've tried ignite that in Tio and Kit. We've gone on adventures to the planet Fbiblinar, rescued the world from monster bunnies, forged dangerous white water rapids, created movies, rode our choppers to deliver fresh made dirt pizza, written stories and played dolls - all within a mile of our home. While it's all been good stuff in itself and sparked them in many ways, neither of them have really pursued the world of the imaginary.
Tio is a good writer. He uses words well and in some original ways. He's very practical in his focus, though. Follows sports and lets video games do his imagining for him. His imagination may blossom but he's not all that interested in exercising it right now.
Kit only imagines himself as being famous without doing anything creative to spark it. Nothing wrong with that for a 10 year old. I'd love to see him push just a bit harder with music or drawing but unless the "mood" takes him, he doesn't want any part of it.
I hope that will change for both of them as time goes by. When they need ideas and creative influence, digging down within themselves would be a great place to find it. Their dad and aunt aren't creative at all and no amount of working on it made it happen.
Creativity is an amazing gift. Whenever I visit schools as an author the first question they ask is "where do you get your ideas?". There is no way to answer that.
I can't make it happen, I can only hope to help them find it in themselves. That goes for kids on school visits and the boys right here at home.
2.06.2011
When the gloves come off...
Kit has another hour until bedtime and he's looking for something to do. I'm on the sofa resting my eyelids and Grammo is working on her PC. Tio and Bud are In never never land watching the super bowl.
"Why are you wearing gloves?" Grammo asks, "Weren't you going to write a list or something now that Doc is in bed and can't bug you?"
"I was going to write a story about the family," Kit replies.
"In gloves?"
"I like to write in gloves."
I couldn't resist. "That way when it gets really juicy, he can take the gloves off."
What can I say? It was a slow news day.
"Why are you wearing gloves?" Grammo asks, "Weren't you going to write a list or something now that Doc is in bed and can't bug you?"
"I was going to write a story about the family," Kit replies.
"In gloves?"
"I like to write in gloves."
I couldn't resist. "That way when it gets really juicy, he can take the gloves off."
What can I say? It was a slow news day.
2.05.2011
No Honor Among Thieves
I like picking laundry off the floor as much as anyone else. But when the children, lovely little cherubs all, spread it all over the laundry room floor and then deny they've ever been near the place, heads are gonna roll. I was almost sure who the culprit was but I decided to pit the angels against each other and see who got cast out of heaven.
"Tio! Doc! Kit! Get up here. There's laundry all over the basement floor and all of you can't be innocent. Therefore you will stand here until one of you tells me they've been digging through bags of laundry and leaving it strewn all over. That means two of you are going to stand here for nothing. I apologize for that but I won't be lied to." Then I left them to it.
It took less then a minute for them to turn on each other and out the guilty party but he still wouldn't admit it. I went back to sweeten to pot. "You know, the longer you have to stand here, the more the two innocent ones are going to want to get even. I might just let them choose a punishment." I tried not to look too much directly at Doc but it was clear that he needed to cleanse his little conscience.
Unfortunately, he was being stubborn. It took another 5 minutes of the others pleading with him to fess up, and a further 5 on top after I told them I'd make it up to the innocents with a treat. Finally, it was too much for the little guy and he admitted that he'd been throwing laundry around.
That's when the fun started. Tio and Kit went right for the throat and described all the various punishments their baby brother should endure for making them stand there for "hours and hours" (8 minutes). Bedtime hours early, no supper, standing in the middle of the floor for the rest of the day were all mentioned. The topper that drove poor Doc almost to tears was the threat of only one or two stories at bed instead of the usual three. He finally cracked and gave me such a pleading look to help dig him out of the hole.
I suggested he apologize for lying to us all. I think they all got the message about how I feel about lying
"Tio! Doc! Kit! Get up here. There's laundry all over the basement floor and all of you can't be innocent. Therefore you will stand here until one of you tells me they've been digging through bags of laundry and leaving it strewn all over. That means two of you are going to stand here for nothing. I apologize for that but I won't be lied to." Then I left them to it.
It took less then a minute for them to turn on each other and out the guilty party but he still wouldn't admit it. I went back to sweeten to pot. "You know, the longer you have to stand here, the more the two innocent ones are going to want to get even. I might just let them choose a punishment." I tried not to look too much directly at Doc but it was clear that he needed to cleanse his little conscience.
Unfortunately, he was being stubborn. It took another 5 minutes of the others pleading with him to fess up, and a further 5 on top after I told them I'd make it up to the innocents with a treat. Finally, it was too much for the little guy and he admitted that he'd been throwing laundry around.
That's when the fun started. Tio and Kit went right for the throat and described all the various punishments their baby brother should endure for making them stand there for "hours and hours" (8 minutes). Bedtime hours early, no supper, standing in the middle of the floor for the rest of the day were all mentioned. The topper that drove poor Doc almost to tears was the threat of only one or two stories at bed instead of the usual three. He finally cracked and gave me such a pleading look to help dig him out of the hole.
I suggested he apologize for lying to us all. I think they all got the message about how I feel about lying
2.04.2011
Every Picture Tells A Story
Putting Kit to bed tonight, he was talking about arranging his things and making trinket holders and such. He pointed at a framed picture of his dad and mom on their wedding day that he had propped on the shelf and said he should probably put a ziggidy line between them.
I disagreed. "No, this picture represents a place in time. A time they were happy and meant well towards each other and the future. There was no knowing what would come later so you can't impose that on the picture. Besides," I added, "you were there that day. You were in this picture."
He perked up and looked closer. "Where?"
"Right there behind the flowers your mom is holding. It's your future they're planning and thinking about in this picture."
He smiled, understanding what I meant. "Look how well that turned out."
"Okay so they made a few mistakes along the way. But at that time, you can't blame them for trying."
"I guess not."
"Goodnight Sweetie," I said. "it's been a good day."
"Goodnight Grampy
I disagreed. "No, this picture represents a place in time. A time they were happy and meant well towards each other and the future. There was no knowing what would come later so you can't impose that on the picture. Besides," I added, "you were there that day. You were in this picture."
He perked up and looked closer. "Where?"
"Right there behind the flowers your mom is holding. It's your future they're planning and thinking about in this picture."
He smiled, understanding what I meant. "Look how well that turned out."
"Okay so they made a few mistakes along the way. But at that time, you can't blame them for trying."
"I guess not."
"Goodnight Sweetie," I said. "it's been a good day."
"Goodnight Grampy
2.03.2011
If only we could all just avoid our troubles
Struggling with Kit every day in the hopes that he'll jumpstart his participation in school is both hard work and a fascinating study in denial. The boy jumps through hoops to avoid admitting his part in the problems he creates. He corkscrews his arguments so far around that what may have started as a talk about giving people personal space ends up about why it's no fair that he didn't get mayo on a ham sandwich. He's good at it, too. If you don't watch out, you're debating defensively about who got to stay up late more often from what started with "Stop teasing your brother!"
Yesterday's snow day went well until I left for a couple of hours and Kit decided to fly into a roaring uncontrolled temper, swearing and screeching and pounding on the walls.
When explaining that this was unacceptable and he'd have to start changing or trouble was going to be deep and long, he asked, "Didn't Dad have the same problem when he was my age?"
"Your dad really was ADD. He couldn't help it. He really could not remember what went on from one day to the next. When he was your age he'd look up at me plaintively at bedtime and ask 'was I okay today?' because he really didn't know. You, on the other hand, are fully aware of what you're doing and can change. It won't be easy but you can change."
"Well," said Kit, "he turned out alright. He's got a nice house, a good job and three kids."
Isn't it amazing how quickly kids can throw you for a loop? From a 9 year old's perspective, it may look like Buddy has a home, stable family and steady job. On the other hand, not this kid. Kit's been with him every step of the way and if he's nothing else he's a shrewd observer. He knows very well why they're with us, how hard it's been and the troubles Buddy has. This wasn't the innocent observation of a child, he was going for the throat. Rattle Grampy so that he'll change the subject to Buddy's problems and leave poor little ol' Kit alone.
Alas, I didn't take the bait and the conversation returned to why Kit won't, not can't, sit down and be quiet at school, nor back down from challenging his father, much as he tried again and again to change the subject to whatever he could find.
Yesterday's snow day went well until I left for a couple of hours and Kit decided to fly into a roaring uncontrolled temper, swearing and screeching and pounding on the walls.
When explaining that this was unacceptable and he'd have to start changing or trouble was going to be deep and long, he asked, "Didn't Dad have the same problem when he was my age?"
"Your dad really was ADD. He couldn't help it. He really could not remember what went on from one day to the next. When he was your age he'd look up at me plaintively at bedtime and ask 'was I okay today?' because he really didn't know. You, on the other hand, are fully aware of what you're doing and can change. It won't be easy but you can change."
"Well," said Kit, "he turned out alright. He's got a nice house, a good job and three kids."
Isn't it amazing how quickly kids can throw you for a loop? From a 9 year old's perspective, it may look like Buddy has a home, stable family and steady job. On the other hand, not this kid. Kit's been with him every step of the way and if he's nothing else he's a shrewd observer. He knows very well why they're with us, how hard it's been and the troubles Buddy has. This wasn't the innocent observation of a child, he was going for the throat. Rattle Grampy so that he'll change the subject to Buddy's problems and leave poor little ol' Kit alone.
Alas, I didn't take the bait and the conversation returned to why Kit won't, not can't, sit down and be quiet at school, nor back down from challenging his father, much as he tried again and again to change the subject to whatever he could find.
2.02.2011
The Danny Rose Thanksgiving
I got wiped out the past couple of days by the perfect storm. Our cable TV and internet went down (still is), I got a stomach bug that kicked me in the guts like the Hulk's fist, and the huge snowstorm kept the kids home from school one more time. What a line drive. We've been going down to the library and pub to get our emails and post blogs.
While I was lying on the sofa late last night clutching my guts hoping the toast would stay down, I put in one of my favorite movies: Woody Allen's "Broadway Danny Rose". This film affected me profoundly when I first saw it. I left the theater in a bit of a stupor with my date and sat through supper filled for the first time with the understanding of how we're meant to look after each other here on Earth. You say, Woody Allen? Profound? I know but after growing up in a left leaning family that talked about how people should care for each other, it never personalize for me until that night.
The film is about a not so good theatrical agent who handles some real loser acts. A one armed juggler, a stuttering ventriloquist, singing bird acts and so forth. Whenever he gets any real talent for clients, they drop him when they start getting successful. All of this leads up the final scene where Danny's flat broke and lost another rising star and opportunity for his own success. He's serving frozen turkey TV dinners to his lost soul clients for Thanksgiving in his apartment. These hapless performers have no clue about their place on the ladder of life and Danny has lifted them well above their expectations.
Inside this pathos, I realized that the symbol of how much you can help people isn't in the quality or even the odds of success. It's in the process, the doing, lifting expectations, offering a hand, a positive influence. I didn't know that night how I would be able to share this in my life, but was sure that some day I would.
Decades have passed and it took many years for me to realize my inner Danny Rose. I've served in local public office, worked for campaigns, fought multinational waste company to protect my town, created new ways for flutists to keep their careers after hands injuries, and a small host of other projects. None of this is newsworthy on any grand scale, like The Gates Foundation or Mother Teresa, but it's given hope and a future to the people in my reach.
Right now, I'm raising my grandsons expectations and hope. It would make Danny Rose proud.
While I was lying on the sofa late last night clutching my guts hoping the toast would stay down, I put in one of my favorite movies: Woody Allen's "Broadway Danny Rose". This film affected me profoundly when I first saw it. I left the theater in a bit of a stupor with my date and sat through supper filled for the first time with the understanding of how we're meant to look after each other here on Earth. You say, Woody Allen? Profound? I know but after growing up in a left leaning family that talked about how people should care for each other, it never personalize for me until that night.
The film is about a not so good theatrical agent who handles some real loser acts. A one armed juggler, a stuttering ventriloquist, singing bird acts and so forth. Whenever he gets any real talent for clients, they drop him when they start getting successful. All of this leads up the final scene where Danny's flat broke and lost another rising star and opportunity for his own success. He's serving frozen turkey TV dinners to his lost soul clients for Thanksgiving in his apartment. These hapless performers have no clue about their place on the ladder of life and Danny has lifted them well above their expectations.
Inside this pathos, I realized that the symbol of how much you can help people isn't in the quality or even the odds of success. It's in the process, the doing, lifting expectations, offering a hand, a positive influence. I didn't know that night how I would be able to share this in my life, but was sure that some day I would.
Decades have passed and it took many years for me to realize my inner Danny Rose. I've served in local public office, worked for campaigns, fought multinational waste company to protect my town, created new ways for flutists to keep their careers after hands injuries, and a small host of other projects. None of this is newsworthy on any grand scale, like The Gates Foundation or Mother Teresa, but it's given hope and a future to the people in my reach.
Right now, I'm raising my grandsons expectations and hope. It would make Danny Rose proud.
2.01.2011
It is what it is...
That's Buddy's motto. "It is what it is." As though everything is inevitable, and for him, I think it is. He's not a determinist. Nor is he a fatalist. I think he just doesn't see things coming. His short term coping skills are the only ones he possesses. So when he makes a plan, 3 weeks may be as far out as he can see ahead. So when something unforeseen comes up, he's caught completely by surprise, shrugs his shoulders and says, "It is what it is."
I can't say if he's plagued by bad luck because when you set the wheels in motion for an ill-considered plan, all you can count on is luck to get you through and at that point it's a throw of the dice.
He bought a car. It broke down. His regular mechanic doesn't work on this make. There it sits while he drives the old car that's barely surviving on a wish and a prayer. "It is what it is."
He has deadlines to file for State support funding. He misses it or forgets something on the form and gets denied or pushed back. "It is what it is."
The kids behave badly towards him, demeaning and unfair. Rather than bring them to task, he takes it in the face. "It is what it is."
At some point we all need to take charge of those things in our world that we can control. Lord knows there's s universe of stuff we can't control. But if we don't understand where the line is and how keep our world from collapsing in s seeming random way then we've missed an important step in growth.
There is some truth to the motto. It is what it is...until it isn't.
I can't say if he's plagued by bad luck because when you set the wheels in motion for an ill-considered plan, all you can count on is luck to get you through and at that point it's a throw of the dice.
He bought a car. It broke down. His regular mechanic doesn't work on this make. There it sits while he drives the old car that's barely surviving on a wish and a prayer. "It is what it is."
He has deadlines to file for State support funding. He misses it or forgets something on the form and gets denied or pushed back. "It is what it is."
The kids behave badly towards him, demeaning and unfair. Rather than bring them to task, he takes it in the face. "It is what it is."
At some point we all need to take charge of those things in our world that we can control. Lord knows there's s universe of stuff we can't control. But if we don't understand where the line is and how keep our world from collapsing in s seeming random way then we've missed an important step in growth.
There is some truth to the motto. It is what it is...until it isn't.
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